I figure this is a good way to catch up on my posts. This will be posted in parts today… At least that is the goal. Since Thursday, there has been a lot of changes that would like to document first before continuing into my main discussion. Mentally, my brain feels like the fog has been washed away. It is clear and the normal internal discussions have fallen mostly away and I can actually focus on work and other stuff without having to force it. I think this has been the most significant change so far. If the hormones are adjusting my brain chemistry and making it so that I can function “normally” (which I do not believe to be the case), it makes me wonder what else may be helped by the hormones. 

Physically, it is strange but wonderfully euphoric to already see some growth. I was fully expecting to not see anything until at least month three when the averages say you should begin seeing growth. They have been sore but haven’t hurt and the entire areola has been extremely sensitive. It seems that there has to be a plateau coming soon to where these sensations begin to level off and a “normal” becomes established.

Let me tell you what… Fuck hot flashes… I already run extremely hot and hot flashes make it absolutely unbearable. Seriously, why does this need to be a thing? I just need ten fans placed on me at hope that there is enough air flowing over my molten lava like skin that I don’t just spontaneously combust and set everything ablaze. Although… It could be fun to be the Human Torch (Johnny Storm) from the Fantastic 4. Actually no, I still say screw the hot flashes. They can stay in Hell where they belong. 

The other changes that I am seeing is some skin softening and some slight fat redistribution. The skin softening is more of visual look at the moment but some areas do physically feel softer. That could just be a coincidence as I am making sure that I moisturize more consistently. The fat redistribution also could just be a placebo as I am still fluctuating in weight but nothing really consistent with loss or gain. I only noticed this effect as my derriere is now continuously knocking into stuff. 

Well, that last part is kind of cool. I always have wanted a butt and never liked the flatness of a Hank Hill butt on me. So physical and mental changes are happening and that means everything is working as it should. I am having trouble in being patient waiting for the changes to come naturally. I see these happening and the impatient me is saying just finish already! I just need to keep in the back of my mind that I have already been in this process for over a year now and mentally working through this for several. 

Part 2 – well I most definitely did not get this done yesterday like I was planning. But, I have a good excuse, I swear. Friends at work invited me to join their first Book Club. It was an amazing experience being around such amazingly strong women and being accepted into the space without question. It helps if you bring some good wine, carbs and chocolate. Ha! I am kidding.

I wanted to write about this experience in the general context. I asked one of the people who invited me if we needed to say something to the group about my identity. It was me being scared of not being accepted into a space where I may not be welcomed. For a lot of my journey, this has been a hotly debated topic in my head especially in the current political climate with Utah Legislature passing HB 257. Talking with this person helped to set my thoughts at ease until the morning of the event. I woke at my usual time but needed to bake some focaccia and a triple chocolate fudge cake and some idiot (me) at the last of the eggs for breakfast the day before. So off to the grocery store – which apparently the best time to get groceries done is at 6am on Saturday mornings. 

While getting everything ready, my adrenaline was flowing. My brain would not stop saying that I was going to be kicked out and uninvited once I got there. Nope. These wonderful ladies accepted me into the group without hesitation and without thought. It was an eye opening experience that I could just exist without expectations or having to maintain a persona for hours on end. By the time we ended, I had not realized that it had been nearly four hours. I was energized. I was excited. While others took naps after all of the food and alcohol, I could sit still and needed to play some games to ease the dopamine down. 

So the moral of the story is to just be yourself. I wish I would keep this more in the back of my head as it is incredibly important. After the event, I was texting with one of the friends who had invited me and had me crying because I felt truly seen. Not as a queer person… not as a trans person… not as any label but just a person worthy of being loved and accepted. Even writing this, I am getting emotional (though I suspect the hormones are also playing a part in this). With all of this said, my heart is full and I am truly feeling the self-love that should have been ingrained in me from the beginning. 

This journey has taught me many things but none more important than that of I am a person that is worthy. There are no conditionals to this. I am worthy. I am happy that I am doing this project because it is helping me to overcome trauma and heal. 

Part 3 – Whew…. this one post is going to be a read. In this section of the post, I did want to go on a rant of sorts. Earlier in the post, I mentioned Utah’s HB257 which was passed through legislature just a couple of days ago. In short, in government owned and operated buildings, transpeople would be required to use the restroom which matches their genitals… This is incredibly concerning due to both the reasoning and the potential abuse by those who expect to see a particular body type enter a restroom. 

I have a question to present to those who have decided that this bill was a good idea. What if a bearded transmasc person who has had top surgery but not bottom surgery needs to use the restroom? By the way the new bill is written, this fictional person would be required to use the “sex-designated female” restroom in those government owned and operated buildings. What about a transfeminine person who has had BA and FFS? Both of the fictional people look completely like the gender for which they identify. Would this not cause more issues? 

Utah, what the fuck are you doing? I am tired of people using the argument of “won’t some one think of the children” to negate the exists of other people. I do understand that there are people out there who have abused this to be continue predatory behavior. I still need to do more research to get better data. Anecdotally, the general trans populace just wants to use a restroom that matches who they are because everybody poops. Transgender people have the same biological needs as cisgender people. 

It’s about to get real with my own experience using the “men’s” restroom in the beginning stages of transition. I have been inappropriately touched, groped, grabbed and worse. It seems to me that more predators exist in this area. I have broken fingers and arms because that behavior is inexcusable. Maybe if closeted “straight” men would stop cruising restrooms this entire issue would be dissolved into nothing. Now, I am not kink shaming as some people are into public play. But, there is a difference to cruising a public restroom and exposing people to that behavior when they have provided no consent. 

With all of this said, it seems to me that these bills are all about exercising power over transgender people as if we are subhuman trash. This is another reason why I waited yesterday to write part two of this post as I wanted to relate the two concepts of being trans in certain spaces. All we want is to simply be able to exist without fear of being labeled derogatory terms. We are not asking permission to be ourselves. Trans people have always existed whether certain people think its a new phenomena. If God made us in their image, then all permutations of us were made in that image. Or maybe that statement simply an allegory that we are loved by the divine being regardless of our genitals.