Ugh. I get typing to fast and accidentally deleted the entirety of the post I had written out moments ago. I tried to undo the edit but I screwed up and went to far back and clicked a letter destroying the redo button sequence. Oh well, this seems like a time to rethink my emotions and make sure they are what I have been feeling the past week while processing the letter to myself.

That letter really hurt to write. Several readers reached out to me and told me that I was very kind to myself. I still dont see it and it feels like I didn’t do the homework for therapy properly. Guess I will find out in fifteen mintues when I go in for my weekly session. Mentally, it has been incredibly tough to even believe the things I wrote. I think that is what is hurting the most. Why can I not trust and listen to my own words? Am I truly in that much pain and that part completely chipped away and the bandades not holding the feeling together? 

No. That is not what it means. It means that I need to rebuild my own confidence and learn to trust my own thoughts and look at my pain in different ways so that I can find the best gorilla glue to stitch my soul back together. I need to go back a few posts and force myself to do my breathing exercises. 

Well then… Therapy definitely hit hard. I am sitting here trying to think back to it and one of the questions I was asked literally the exact same questions. Why do I feel like I cannot trust and listen to my own words. Just means I get to do more homework reading the stupid letter and then writing music. 

Honestly, writing music to process emotions. I am good at it.  It means I can deflect and not think about the emotions. Story of my life right. Deflect the pain or reflect and project onto others.  Lash out and then deal with the fall out. But I am learning to live and then moment and take the pain. 

I need to learn to let it wash over me. 

I put off finishing this post for over a week. I got chastised by my therapist about it. I am figuratively speaking in that manner. It was more so why couldn’t I sit down and finish this post. I realized that I was avoiding finishing it because I could not trust myself. Weird concept right? Well…. I managed to look the pain in the eye and say I can do better than yesterday. I may not believe myself right away but I think by slowly building into this, I can begin to believe the little thoughts sitting in the back of my head. Little by little I will break that cycle of self shame and doubt.