Well, okay… Maybe it has been longer but who is counting? Certainly not me. Life sometimes gets in the way and there are times where you are bulldozed. The past few weeks have just felt like the latter. Therapy has been therapying. Saw the doctor for my 6 week check up. All of that has been going tremendously well. After I return from the conference, I have to get my three month bloodwork done to check levels. It has been really nice that my brain has been quiet. I am not sure if this is truly just an anecdotal experience but having a brain that was running on many different tracks to just one has been so much help. But, it has also not helped the past two weeks of therapy.

We talked about who and the kind of role models that have existed in my life. I have avoided my homework on this subject because I have been purposely avoiding the pain. I have also been hiding because how am I supposed to write a letter to my younger self telling me what I needed to hear. What does someone need to hear growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family who took your achievements as their achievement. I am probably going to hear things like “Oh that didn’t happen” and “You aren’t remembering that correctly” and “It wasn’t that bad.” So here goes…

Dear geeky, nerdy and hurting younger me, 

I wanted to write this to you because you are going to go through some stuff in life. There is a lot of hurt that is going to happen; but, there is also a lot of good that is going to come out of it. There are times that you are going to try and make the hurt stop. It is not going to work. You are here for a reason. You exist for more than being somebody else’s puppet. I am here to tell you that the tough times do get better. 

First, I wanted to start with who you are on both the inside and outside. Those thoughts that are running through your head. You know the ones. It sounds like this – “I wish I looked like Anne Hathaway… Boys are not supposed to think like this. You are broken. You are a piece of shit. You should not exist.” I am sorry that you were surrounded by people that are constantly telling you this and building those negative thoughts in your head. 

You do make it. You are meant to be here. Yes, those thoughts and experiences sucked but you made it. You are valid and you were never broken. It just takes a bit to let your light shine through all of the bullshit. Emilia is always there and she will be ready when you are ready. She is a confident person who simply wants to help others not live what you have lived. She is beautiful. Of course because you are beautiful. You fight so hard against Emilia emerging because you do not know any other way yet. It will arrive at the point when you are most down and I am here to tell you that you make it. You are strong and no one can invalidate you anymore.

Second, you are incredibly smart and you really should try your best. Not for anyone else but for you. It took me a long time to realize that I did things out of spite because certain people perpetuated the idea that I couldn’t do it. Well, fuck them. It isn’t about them. Do it because you want to do it. Go to college and study music. There will be people who tell you that a liberal arts degree is only good for getting a job a McDonalds. Again, fuck them. You go on to a masters degree. You fail the first time because you do it out of spite. They said it was a waste of time. 

I am here to tell you. Continue. Do not stop. Your music and your passion for research will not die. It may feel like after being beaten down and told that you do not know what you are doing and that you aren’t good enough. What do we say, fuck them. You write music for you and no one else. Use it to process. Use it to let the emotions out. Write about music. Write about people making music. Let those voices be heard and let those voices shine. Help be a conduit. Right now, older and wiser you is waiting on PhD application results. You wouldn’t have made it this far if you continued listening to those people who said you can’t do it. 

Third, you will experience a lot of trauma. It is going to suck. Do not let it win. You are loved by an amazing woman who you marry. More importantly, learn to love yourself. That fuck face piece of shit step father, he gets what is coming to him. Yes, you will still hold a lot of anger towards him and rightfully so but it is time to let it go. What he does to you and your brother is going to hurt. What he does to the family is going to hurt worse. Learn to be a peace with what happens. People will not believe. The police will ignore and turn a blind eye to him. You did nothing to deserve it. He will tell you that you had it coming. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE IT. YOU ARE STRONG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

I am going to end it here with just a couple more thoughts. Your work is a reflection of you. Others are going to say oh good job and then turn around and take your achievements as theirs. I am not saying look what I did but look at how good I was to get them to do this. They are self-absorbed. You will cut them out of your life because unless you contribute to making them feel good they will not talk to you. Cut them out of your life earlier. You are not there to regulate their emotional dopamine response. You are here to live your best life. I don’t want to spoil what that life is but just remember these few short words. Come back to them when times are tough. 

You are worthy. You will succeed. You are your own person. You are loved unconditionally. You are valid. You are strong. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. Repeat this like a mantra. 

Love from your older self,

Emilia