If you have not read my previous post, I would highly recommend going back to get caught up on the drama. But in case you need a tl;dr: I had a really good few days with my wife. Then I decided to tell my father that I am trans… It did not go well. So now that you are caught up, lets continue on the journey of the what the fuck. Also a warning, it gets a bit dark….

To say that I was devastated was an understatement. But, I couldn’t dwell on that for too long. I had game night to get and let me say what a wonderful distraction it provided me. It was time to be a criminal in the fictional world of Duskvol with the C.R.O.s. Lily and the C.R.O.s had reached a new level of renown. Lily had found the family that she desperately wanted in life. What a revelation! Isn’t that exactly what I wanted? A family.

This is where it begins to get dark. I got home and got ready for bed. Without a distraction, I had to face my thoughts. I angrily cried myself to a horrible sleep. The thoughts running through my head… Why am I not wanted? Why am not worthy of my father’s unconditional love?

First, let me say there is always hope. You may have to look around to to find it but it exists. Don’t be like me, reach out to others even if its to sit in silence. Second, take a minute to look around you and celebrate the joy in your life at this moment. You are exactly where you are meant to be at this moment. I pulled out of my spiral by rolling over in bed and staring (not creepily) at my wife with the puppies piled on top of her and I thought about her love for me. 

Then, I got angry. Not at her but at myself. Why would I let someone who has been in my life very little bother me like this? Why should he be allowed this much control over me? And so, with those thoughts, I still hurt but I had a new purpose. I had the ability to break the chain and let it fall in to the inky black abyss of negativity. I am free. 

I ended up discussing this situation with my therapist a few days ago. I came to the idea that if someone can’t love me for me then they should not be allowed to be in my life. After the session, I spent several hours combing through social media and my phone to remove and block those people. Since doing so, I have felt lighter and more free. I still feel the sting of hurt and betrayal but now I am armed with super glue and a needle and thread. I am stitching myself back together one piece at a time.