The rant in the last post is still valid. I have lost a lot of confidence with all of this going on in my life. It has been tough. My issue stems from people in my job above me. My direct boss has been really supportive but its tough when you feel lost in the sea. (I will go with the short version) Essentially, I do project management and it “feels” like my job is redundant and others get to dictate the production calendar – vis a vis my entire job. I know thats not actually the case but it has hit my confidence to a point where I am questioning my entire knowledge and abilities. I have been shaken to my core.
I am trying to be kind to myself. It is difficult when you constantly read into every statement – verbal or written – and it fills you with existential dread. What did I do wrong? What did I screw up? Like I said, it drains you and continues to shake your faith in your “self”. I am thankful that I have a boss that is patient with me while trying to help where they can in rebuilding my confidence.
As the title suggests, time exists on a Jeremy Bearimy. This line comes from a show called “The Good Place.” I use this phrase here as my mind has entered full protection mode and I am losing track of time. Time has become a wild energy and I am riding the waves of time looping back through itself up and down and inside and out. Then Tuesdays just exist on the dot of the i.
I did come to the realization that this blog has also been quite sanitized for my life. With this, I am going to work towards bringing in more of the unsanitized. Now what do I mean by this – I have not really discussed what transition has done to me physically in detail or how this has changed the relationship with my wife. I also have not really explored how transition has been able to help me understand and better explore my sexuality. I have kept a lot of this quiet because I figured that it should be private. However, with all that is going on in the world, I think there should be more than a handful of people voicing who they are in public. Does this mean that I will change how I protect myself? No, it simply means that I am going to make my voice louder and work where I can to help other voices stand out against the litany of spewed hatred.
I have to remember that there is only so much I can do. I can’t save the world as much as I want to try. I am working towards building my community here in town and this is wonderful. Yes, I live a bit of ways out and I am trying to break the habit of being a homebody. But, I am making progress and slowly working towards having that community and friends. I am glad that I have a supportive and loving wife and partner. Without having such a supportive community, we fall but together we rise and stand strong.