Well then. About 4 months since my last post. Lots of things have changed and happened in such a short time. I have completed 8 months of HRT. It has been a roller coaster of a ride.
……..
Ugh. From writing that to now, it has been another 4 months. Yet, more things have changed and it is now officially one year since I started this project. I have now also completed one year of hormone replacement therapy. The website has also gone through a change. It seems like the one thing that hasn’t changed is that everything is changing. I am frustrated and this post is going to be more of a rant than an update.
Politically, the last year of the election season and now the actual presidency… It will be interesting to see how the next few years play out. I have to make sure to read the source information and try not to read into the sensastionalism. I have to hope that the worst will not be. I will continue working on protecting myself so that I can make sure that I am safe. I see headline after headline with comments of ” two genders” and “executive order” and I am worried. I am scared. But, I will not back done. I am myself. A signature on a piece of paper does not change who I am and I will damned if those bastards will win.
I have worked too damn hard and through too damn much for them to win. There are a lot of emotions to unpack over 8 months of all of this shit. I am tired. I am exhausted. Why can we not move past the hate? There is simply no reason for it to continue. Why must we continue to be villified? All we ask is to simply exist as who we are. But yet, the looks, comments, back handed-remkarks all continue to grate down on my mental health.
Work continues to be painful reminder of how much I despise how capitalism has turned everything into a value of worth based on perceived output. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you too can have the American Dream.” It is a sickening reminder that my values do not align with this. I have been working through this in therapy and trying to build up my own internal values of worth. It is tough when you are expected (as a salary exempt) to be in the office for a minimum of “45” hours per week. Technically, its 40 hours with a one hour lunch. Still, I am expected to be there 9 hours a day but in reality the exepectation is more because “the job has to get done.” I am tired of this live to work mentality. I will work my contracted hours and that is it. Again, I am tired of my worth being connected to my output.
Because of this, my personal values are being undercut and not satisfied. By the time that I get home, its basically cook dinner and then I fall asleep on the couch because I am exhausted. While I do get up at 5am, I only really get an hour to do any kind of personal work. It’s not really enough time to do any of my research. I don’t really get much time with my wife. I know you are saying boo hoo and thats a reality for most people. But what i say to that is that I value that time and that connection. I value the moments spent together.
Yes, I could cut out my weekly gaming session and that would free up three hours for one night a week. But am I not allowed to have any kind of fun? What is the point to all of this? Why must I continually sacrifice time that I value and find pleasure in to be “more productive?”