Grad School, Challenge Accepted

This past week ended with a bang. Not one of those simple bottle rocket bangs. But, one of the big M80 mortar shell bangs. It was Friday, February 14 at 4:45pm. I will continue to recall that exact time because I happened to look at my watch right as it buzzed. I wait patiently for the notification to pop up and the milliseconds tick right on by and finally that screen appears. I see <Name Redacted> and Good News from <School Redacted>. 

My first thought was, “Holy crap… Is this….” My hands were shaking reaching for my phone to read the email. I dropped my phone. Not once but twice. My heart stopped multiple times reading the letter. I have been “unofficially” accepted into a PhD program starting in the fall. Unofficially means that I have to wait for the official paperwork from the school and provide them with my acceptance decision. At that point, it becomes official. I am completely overjoyed at this. 

I did it. I fucking did it. 3 years of applying but I did it. A few years ago, each successive “failure” would have broken me. I have so much pride in myself for persevering, for not letting the negative thoughts win, and for finding my passion and hurdling over the obstacles. I will never be able to give enough thanks those who supported throughout this entire time and never gave up in believing in me. I will also never be able to thank the professors enough who pushed me to not settle for mediocrity and inspired me to find my passion and voice. Finally, the one who has been beside me these past 15 years. I hope to be able to give you support at the same level you have given me. It’s a near impossible task but I aim to beat it.  

I have been riding this high for days now. I have been able to start apartment hunting. It will be an adjustment having to live away from my wife. AND the puppers… But, it will be temporary. These challenges make me more fond of the time that I have been able to spend all these years and will help me feel even more connected when I am able to visit. 

I have also reached a breakthrough with my research project. The project has slowly been becoming a much bigger project than originally designed. Originally, I didn’t want to pigeon-hole it into a specific size project and the more literature reviews that I do – the bigger it gets. It is looking like this project will be turning into a full book. Far more complex but far more intriguing. As I work through this project, I will share some information related to it. Here is one source. 

Bersani, Leo. Is the Rectum a Grave? And Other Essays. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2010.

Explores the intersections of queerness, sexuality, and power.

Overview

Leo Bersani’s Is the Rectum a Grave? And Other Essays (2010) is a foundational text in queer theory that critiques traditional understandings of sexuality, power, and identity. The book compiles several essays that span over three decades of Bersani’s work, with a focus on sexuality as a site of both radical potential and social anxiety. The titular essay, first published in 1987 at the height of the AIDS crisis, remains one of the most provocative arguments in queer studies, challenging dominant narratives about gay male sexuality and its association with death, pathology, and danger.

Bersani’s work is crucial for the study because it examines the intersections of sexuality, power, and pleasure, all of which are relevant in the context of BDSM dungeons. His approach to queer negativity—where queerness resists assimilationist politics—also provides a useful lens for understanding BDSM’s subversive relationship to normative social structures.

Key Arguments

• The Association of Queerness with Danger and Death
  • In Is the Rectum a Grave?, Bersani critiques the way gay male sexuality was framed during the AIDS crisis. He argues that the rectum was constructed as a symbolic site of death, both in a literal sense (due to the transmission of HIV) and in a metaphorical sense (as a place of social abjection).
  • He challenges the idea that queerness should be defended through heteronormative narratives of love, commitment, and monogamy. Instead, he suggests embracing queerness as a radical form of social and sexual dissidence.
• Masochism and the Eroticized Self-Shattering
  • One of Bersani’s most famous concepts is self-shattering—the idea that sex, especially masochistic sex, can lead to a breakdown of the ego and individualism.
  • BDSM is directly relevant to this concept because the act of submission, pain, and domination challenges traditional ideas of autonomy and selfhood.
  • Bersani critiques psychoanalysis, particularly Freud, for interpreting masochism as a form of pathology. Instead, he argues that masochism can be liberating because it dismantles the primacy of the self.
• Queer Resistance and the Limits of Identity Politics
  • Bersani is skeptical of identity-based politics that seek assimilation into mainstream culture.
  • He suggests that queerness should remain disruptive rather than conform to dominant social norms.
  • This argument has strong parallels to BDSM subcultures, which also exist in opposition to mainstream norms of pleasure, power, and control.
• Erotics of Power and Submission
  • While Bersani does not explicitly discuss BDSM, his ideas on the erotic nature of power, submission, and negation have direct applications to the research.
  • His work helps explain why BDSM practitioners often describe their experiences as deeply transformative, transgressive, and resistant to normative sexuality.

Relevance to Research

• Understanding BDSM’s Radical Potential
  • Bersani’s idea of self-shattering can be used to analyze the psychological and sensory experiences of BDSM practitioners.
  • BDSM dungeons often function as spaces where power, identity, and selfhood are destabilized, much like Bersani’s vision of queer sexuality.
• Queer Negativity and BDSM Subcultures
  • Bersani’s critique of assimilationist politics aligns with how BDSM resists traditional narratives of love, romance, and “healthy” sexuality.
  • His work suggests that BDSM should not be pathologized but instead understood as a site of radical self-exploration and social critique.
• The Role of Music in Erotic Self-Shattering
  • Music in BDSM spaces often contributes to heightened sensory experiences, altered states of consciousness, and a sense of dissociation from the self—all themes present in Bersani’s discussion of queer sexuality.
  • Industrial and electronic music, in particular, often reinforce themes of pain, domination, and loss of control, which align with Bersani’s theoretical framework.
• Criticisms and Limitations
  • Limited Discussion of BDSM and Female Desire
    • Bersani’s work is largely focused on gay male sexuality, with little discussion of lesbian, transgender, or heterosexual BDSM dynamics.
    • His masochism framework tends to be abstract and symbolic, rather than grounded in real-world BDSM practices.
  • Philosophical Abstraction vs. Ethnographic Reality
    • While Bersani’s ideas about self-shattering and erotic power are compelling, they remain largely philosophical rather than ethnographic.
    • My study will contribute by applying these concepts to lived experiences in BDSM dungeons through participant-observation and interviews.
  • Queer Negativity vs. Pleasure in BDSM Spaces
    • Bersani tends to emphasize queerness as negation and resistance, but BDSM also involves pleasure, intimacy, and community-building.
    • My research can explore how BDSM dungeons are not just sites of radical resistance but also of connection and sensory engagement
• Conclusion: Integrating Bersani
  • Bersani’s ideas on masochism, self-shattering, and the radical potential of queer sexuality will help theorize the experience of BDSM participants.
  • His critique of identity politics can frame BDSM dungeons as resistant spaces that challenge mainstream understandings of power and sexuality.
  • His work will need to be supplemented with ethnographic and sensory research to connect these abstract theories to the real-world sonic and bodily experiences of BDSM dungeon-goers.