Day 3 – I Feel Something

Woot! I am getting a head start today. Some of these posts may get a bit personal. I think this is a critical compenent of this project to document every emotion, physical reaction, and the such. With this said, I will preface these specific posts where things may be a bit graphic so that you can choose to read this experience. In this post, I will talk about physical reactions and top/bottom surgeries as they have been sitting at the forefront of my mind while doing additional research regarding HRT medications and the physical change process. 

This morning started like most mornings for someone born with a penis. However, something felt slightly different. Maybe it was the meds having an initial effect. But, it wasn’t throbbing through the shaft. I felt the pulsations more closely to the base and grinding felt more satisfying than stroking. This experience felt a bit out of place because this is day three. 

Based on other people first hand accounts with their changes, I shouldn’t have this kind of reaction until closer to month three as the meds will have been able to build up in my system. I do think it is more about the mindset and the change in my thought processes. This led me back to some thoughts that I had yesterday regarding the potential loss of function of equipment. 

It took me quite a while today to process how I was feeling about this subject. However, I realized that what shall come is what shall be and that by needlessly worrying about posibilites is a terrible outlook in this process. I should not worry myself about bottom surgery until I see what the meds do to me. The same goes for breast augmentation. 

I generally try to approach emotional problems from a rational point of view. This time around, I decided to lean into what I was feeling to understand why I was feeling anxious. I found that I was able to stay more calm than usual in these situations which seems strange. But, I learned in therapy that it is okay to feel emotions and sit in the moment but to understand the root cause of negative emotions and figure out if it is serving you a good purpose. 

In this case, being overly anxious about surgery and losing the function of bodily parts was not serving any positive purpose in my life. If you are on the fence about transition and worried about others or scared of things happening, seek to understand what is causing that emotional response. Once you figure out what is causing the unease, think about how you can turn those negative thoughts into a positive and rewrite your brain.

I will leave you all with a final thought. All emotions serve a purpose. Lean in and find the purpose.