Day 1 - January 16
Welp… Here we are on day two writing for day one. Nothing wrong with that but some of my emotions are gone and I may not remember everything. At least the site is in a usable state now.
Day one begins with the alarm on my phone ringing at 5:00am. I am still jublient from the events the day before. I had gone to the doctor and was worried that since my stomach had been acting up that the doctor and I would not have time to discuss HRT. Lo and behold, my stomach that morning had decided to begin behaving and that acid reflux was coming under control. I still remember the moment the doctor said “Let’s get you started.” I had begun grinning like a fool and had finally felt true calm and peace. It felt as if a cool and refreshing breeze had twisted around my feet leaving a jolt in my step.
Throughout the day, I could not help but remember and continue my grin even as things at work continued to be a mess. When the notification from CVS arrived about my prescription being ready for pick up, I tried desperately to stay calm… To no avail. I had immediately texted my wife and my best friend. I was on the verge of tears. It still didn’t feel real until that moment. Even while writing this, it still does not feel real. It felt strange to feel true happiness and euphoria.
We often talk about the dysphoria that trans people feel; but, we rarely discuss the euphoria and what that means within the transition process. This entire train of thought originated at an academic conference that I had presented at back in October of 2023 while attending a drag recital. An attendee at this event had asked a genuine question which opened a very productive line of discussion. I bring this up because at first I was outraged. How could someone down play someones lived existence to a binary of euphoric to dysphoric and it didnt make sense to me until I had reached this point in my own journey.
What does it mean to have euphoria when trans? For me, it started that moment as I lay there in bed rolling over to turn off that alarm. I woke up without any trouble and had a excited-nervous feeling taking shelter in the base of my spine. As I looked in the mirror that morning, I didn’t see the person covered in beard, chest, back hair… I saw me for the first time in a very long time. As I took time shaving in the shower, I savored every moment bringing my physical being into parity with my emotional being.
That simple morning routine no longer functioned to cover the shame and hurt with what I had seen in the mirror. It became hope. It became a moment of self love. Afterwards, I had grabbed my prescription bottles and re-read the label in disbelief that this was finally happening. I prepped my morning coffee and sat down on the couch continuing to work on this site. My first sip of scalding hot coffee was laced with the my first official dose of estradiol and spironlactone.
There was no hesitation. It was pure adrenaline and joy running through my veins from the very minute I had swallowed those two life changing pills. From that moment, I had a new outlook on life. To me, that is what euphoria is as a trans person – being able to live your life as who you are and should be.