A Chilly Morning & A Hot Coffee
Pardon my lack of posts over the past two months. So much has happened, both good and bad. Though, I don’t remember the bad. From a conference to new experiences to another conference to more new experiences, a 3 month check up and transition next steps. I am exhausted. Yet, I feel more alive than I have ever felt. It is truly a miracle (at least anecdotally) that being on hormone replacement has actually helped with a lot of my mental issues.
The biggest help is my inner dialogue. I would have four to five competing voices in my head. These voices would battle and self narrate the day to the point where it just never shut off and the conversations were never really helpful. At the end of month one, the voices had quieted down and now completely cease to exist. I have never known such calmness inside my head. Never have I been able to hear my own music floating around in head. It has always been drowned out by the voices.
On to the first conference – I presented in Cork, Ireland at the joint conference for the British Forum for Ethnomusicology and the International Council for Traditions of Music and Dance. This was an incredibly rewarding experience as I was able to meet some other scholars who resonated with my research. This affirming moment helped solidify why I do my specific research. It also showed me that I do have valid and good research. I think this was the most exciting part of the trip and certainly made up for not being able to present in the castle. 😀
After getting back, I had to immediately get my lab work done for my 3 month check up. A slight medication adjustment to continue getting my levels to the correct numbers and I was on my way and with a referral to begin establishing care for the next steps of transition. I will say it is truly amazing the physical body changes. I look in the mirror and I do see the changes already. Happiness is exuding from me.
In less than a couple weeks late I had another conference to attend but could only stay for the first half of the day. I got to see my advisors and colleagues and they were just as bummed as I was about not getting in this year but they are truly amazing and helping again for applications in the fall. I was able to talk to someone on the committee and got a few pointers for next time. This was probably the biggest help for my applications. Although, it is extremely tough in the limited amount of space on the applications to fully detail anything out so I need to be more concise and direct in my applications.
That same day, I got to experience a real affirming moment. I very close friend of mine asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and we went to do a wedding dress try on session with the bride. By being allowed into the space and experiencing these moments, it was extraordinary. It also made me realize that in a few years I want to renew my vows with my wife and I want to be able to experience these moments as well.
Finally, last week I received a call for a referral to a surgeon’s office for gender affirming surgery. I was elated, ecstatic and surprised that it was finally here. But, I also did not realize how impactful things are that people have said to me. Talking it out in therapy, I realized that these things that people said to me don’t have to control me. I am on my own path and journey and I am getting to be what I should have been in the first place. It also helps when your wife randomly out of the blue says “I know you were born with an appendage that you weren’t supposed to have.”
Anyways, it is tough to convey nearly two months of events in such a short post. However, I will try to dig into the topics more in later posts to hopefully fully convey the wide breadth of emotions experienced here. At least, well enough as the written word can convey.